A letter to Lola

Dear Lola 

Your 4th Birthday is approaching fast. 
I'm in shock. I'm not sure where those years have gone and how they have flown by so fast. 

What I do know is how fiercely proud of you I am. 
You have grown from my beautiful, peaceful baby, to a cherub of a toddler, to a feisty threenager & are now fast approaching your school years with an enviable lust for life & experiences. 

You are smart, confident and friendly. You are strong willed and determined which doesn't always mean an easy ride, but really, I wouldn't have you any other way! 

They tell me at PreSchool that you have the perfect mix. You are happy, you mix well with other children, love to play, get involved with everything & know how to stand your own ground. You know how to make yourself heard.  
I can not put into words just how much it warms my heart to hear others speak so highly of you, to hear them tell me what I already know. 
You are a delight. 
I am blessed to be your Mum. 

As you get older, you are more preoccupied with your Daddy, or lack of one. 
We have always talked about your origins and the fact you have a 'Daddy Donor', I feel recently you have just realised what a 'Daddy' is & that you haven't got one around. 
I think watching Unky D play with your cousins & seeing your friends with their Dads has made you realise that you don't have that in your life. 
Over the past couple of days you have started to tell me that you want your Daddy. As I pull you close and I explain our story to you again you tell me 'I want a new Daddy'. 
I'm not surprised my love. I wish you had a Dad too. Not for my own sake, to make this parenting lark easier, but for your sake. 
It's one of the things I feel sad about too. 
But it wasn't to be. The beginning of our journey together was not destined to be spent with a man around. That's not to say that we won't find a man who will love you & be a father to you. 

I have been told many times that sharing genes does not make you a family. It's the people around you, that love you, support you, are there for you when you are happy or sad that are your family. 
For now, your Father is an amazing man who was generous enough to help me bring you into the world. I will be forever grateful to him, he gave me the greatest gift, the chance to have you. 

I tell you that families come in all shapes and sizes, there are small families, large families, single parent families, families with one Mum, families with 2 Dads. There are many other families like ours. The most important things in family are that you love & care for each other. You, my beautiful girl, are loved in abundance! 

When you are 18, if you choose, you will have another family to explore and can find out about your donor siblings! If you do choose to go searching, you may find that you have a larger & more diverse family than most! 

So my precious girl, what you do have is a Mum who loves you more than can be put into words. Who is happier than she has ever been now that you are around. You have made my life brighter, full of love and laughter. You make me a better person. 

I love our life together. I love watching you grow & develop, it's amazing now that we can have a conversation & also giggle over silly things together. 

My beautiful girl, thank you for the best 4 years of my life. I'll never stop thanking my lucky stars, you're the best thing to ever happen to me, the gift that keeps on giving. 💜

I love you so much 
Mummy 

I want my Daddy

I have told Lola many times that her Father is a Donor. 

When she was a newborn, I would whisper to her our story & tell her just how grateful I was that she was here. 

Last year L went through a phase of calling me 'MummyDaddy' & a couple of her (older) friends had asked where L's father was. 

At the time, I did some serious thinking about what I was going to tell her and her inquisitive friends. (Please see previous posts!) 

I have always been determined to be completely honest but I became very conscious of what language I should use. I wondered how much information was appropriate for a small toddler mind. 

I told L that her Father was a very special man, that he was a Donor & that she could find out more about him when she was older. 

For a while, this information was enough. Until recently. 

This Summer we visited my Brother & family. L heard her cousin calling him Daddy & so addressed him as Daddy too. 

My brother quickly corrected her & told her that he was not her Daddy, he was her Uncle. (He is known to her as Uncle D so this clicked pretty quickly) 

Once we got home, L said to me "I want my Daddy". 

I pulled her on my lap and decided that it was time that I told her more details. 

I told her that I had really wanted a baby but that I hadn't met the right man to be her Daddy. 

I said that I had heard of a man who could help me called Dr Shakka. I said that he knew a very nice man who was a donor. 

I told her that Dr Shakka then took Mummy's eggs & Daddy Donor's sperm and mixed them together. 

I told her a miracle happened & they became an embryo. The embryo was then put back in Mummy's tummy, where it grew & grew into a beautiful Baby Lola. 

L has seen all my pregnancy bump pics & knows that she was once in my tummy. She often looks at the photos & talks about Baby Lola getting "bigger & bigger & bigger". 

Again I told her that her Donor was an amazing man & that she could find out more about him when she was older. 

I asked her if she'd like me to tell her the story again & she said yes. So we lay on the bed cuddling as I told her our story again. 

The next day, her 1st words were "My Daddy's a Donor"

I said "Yes, your Daddy's a donor". That was enough to satisfy her curiosity for a couple of days.  

Since then, she has asked me to tell her again about Dr Shakka, the Donor & baby Lola. 

She announced "My Daddy's a Donor" to a busy waiting room the other day! 

Again today she said "I want my Dad" so I pulled her close & told her our story again. 

Tonight I made the mistake of reading a couple of blog posts written by Donor Conceived adults. 

They've talked of their struggles, their sense of injustice & that donating sperm/ eggs should be outlawed. 

They talk of feeling robbed, that the worst bit is 'the unknown' & that they feel lost not knowing more about their genetic parentage.  (It is worth pointing out that a majority of them were told late or lied to about their origins) 

This makes me feel terrible. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel sad. 

I feel bad that L doesn't have a relationship with a / her Father. 

Does he wonder about her? What kind of man donates his sperm? 

Why would you? I wonder what his motives were & whether he will agree to meet Lola & answer her questions about himself & his family. 

What if he's no longer alive by the time L is old enough to search for him? What if he refuses contact?  Her questions will be unanswered for ever. 

These are all things I didn't give full consideration to when deciding to have a baby alone. Surely these are topics that should be brought up in the compulsory counselling.  

Would I have changed my mind? I doubt it. I wanted a child so badly. 

She was the best decision I ever made & she has made me happier than I have ever been. 

But I worry that she will struggle because of the decisions I made in pursuit of my own happiness.  

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel bad or guilty on a daily basis, it tends to be when I stumble across a sad post from someone who is Donor Concieved or like tonight, after sobbing my way through an episode of Long Lost Family! 

I really must search out more Donor Concieved Adults who hopefully have a happier and more positive story to tell. 

Lola does have a Father

Some time ago, I blogged about my thoughts surrounding what to tell Lola about her Father/Sperm Donor. 

I finished by saying that I had said to Lola that she didn't have a Daddy, but that she had a Donor. 

My thoughts & feelings have shifted considerably since writing that post. 

Firstly, I started to communicate with a Donor Conceived (DC) Adult. She had written a blog post about her Donor & said that she felt that he was her Father. She felt our language surrounding Donor Conception was limited but that using the word 'Donor' didn't seem appropriate.  

She commented that the word donor makes one think of Charity Auctions, Organ donors & depersonalised the man who is out there, living & breathing. 

In her opinion, the man that donated sperm IS Lola's father. Lola shares 50% of her DNA with him, 1/2 of her is from him. 

I have to agree. 

Lola does have a Father. A Father who donated his sperm. 

I have a few details of this man scribbled on a piece of A4 paper. We know his height, blood group, body type, hair & eye colour, occupation & interests. He has always been 2D. 

Recently I have started to think of him as a real person, started to think about a man out there, who has a job, friends & a family. He is more than just a few details on a piece of paper. I've started to wonder what else Lola shares with him other than DNA. Do they share the same features, the same habits? 

She then asked if she could repost my blog on her blog. I agreed. 

The first of the comments absolutely slated me. I was called desperate & selfish. I was told that I should apologise to my daughter. Apologise for compromising her rights. Apologise for entering into an agreement that meant she had less rights than any other child. 

Was it fair that she didn't know her kin, her father, her siblings? 

I became quite defensive saying that I refused to apologise to L, that that would imply that I felt I'd done wrong, that I regretted & felt sorry about my choices. 

I will never apologise for having had my daughter. She is my world.  But do I owe her an apology? 

While I didn't agree with the tone of the ladies comments, it was real food for thought when it came to L's rights as a Donor Conceived child.  

It was suggested to me that I watch 'Generation Cryo'. A documentary about a young lady, with 2 lesbian Mums, searching for her Sperm Donor. Because she lives in the US  she had her Donor Number so she signed up to the Donor Sibling Registry. She discovered 15 donor siblings. 

It was fascinating to see the kids different thoughts & feelings towards their donor/father & it was so heart warming to see the relationships between the donor siblings grow. 

In the UK, DC kids don't get their donor number until they are 18. I feel sad that Lola won't have the same opportunity to grow up knowing her donor siblings. I feel quite strongly that this part of the law should be changed. 

Should the donor/father's name be put on the birth certificate? I don't know. Would people still donate their sperm & eggs if they were on the Birth Certificate? At what age is a child ready emotionally to go & meet their Father?  I need to think more about this & perhaps blog about it at a later date. 

What was perhaps most interesting & thought provoking was some comments on my blog from 3 DC adults, some of which had SMC (Single Mothers by Choice). 

One said that Lola doesn't have a donor. That that man donated his sperm to me. He is my donor. I had never thought of it like that but I totally agree. 

Another commented that I should allow Lola to express her feelings about being DC. She may be angry, hurt, furious & must let her be. This really resonated with me as I feel it's human nature to try & make someone feel better. I must make her feel safe enough to work through her feelings, whatever they are without being concerned about how they make me feel. She has my full support if she decides to try & make contact with her Father/Siblings. 

The ladies commenting on my blog also agreed that they found their Mothers saying how badly they wanted them to be a bit of a burden, so I must be conscious of that too! 

One of the things I found most upsetting was the comments that DC kids are born to fill a hole in their parents lives but are then left with a hole themselves as they have no knowledge of their Father, his family & their families medical history.  Some feel a part of them is missing, unknown. 

This has made me seriously question the rights of DC kids as they stand today. With the increase in DC children these really need to be rethought. I shall be considering all that I have learnt over the past 2 months & plan my next steps forward. 

One thing for sure, I WILL be campaigning for my daughters rights to know her donor number before she is 18 so that we can join the Donor Sibling Registry. If she has siblings out there that are registered, why should she wait until she's 18 to meet them? 

So where am I at? 

Lola does have a Father, a Father who donated his sperm to me. 

How she will feel about him & whether she decides to call him her Father or her Donor remains to be seen! 

 

Is Time such a great healer?

We are coming up to the anniversary of my Dad's death. 

He died, out of the blue, 17 years ago. 

He was 54. I was 27. Sudden death from a heart attack. 

I woke up to the phone ringing. It was early. It was my Mum. 

'Emma, it's me. Can you come out. Dad has died.' 

I just remember saying 'No' and telling her we would be out there as soon as we could. 

I was sharing a house with my brother. 

'Dale, wake up. That was Mum on the phone. Dad has died'. 

I wonder if he has flashbacks of me telling him, as I do of me telling him. I can still see his face. The horror. The shock. The disbelief. I will always hear my Mum's words in my ears. Words that can be replayed at any time & feel as raw as the first time I first heard them. 

No chance to say goodbye. Just gone. Ended. Over. 

I spent the 1st year afterwards coping very well. Or so you would have thought. In fact, I wasn't dealing with it at all. I was in shock. I was numb. But I carried on.  I was the organiser. I rang the family. I shared the news. I worried about other people's feelings. I made sure everyone else was ok. 

My Mum was a mess. That day I stopped being someone's daughter & became a parent. A parent who had never given birth. 

A year later, I fell apart. The grief kicked in. Nobody understood. Shouldn't I have been over it by now? A year is no time at all in the world of grief. It's just getting started, not coming to an end. 

Honestly, it took me 7 years to think about my Dad dying without feeling like I'd been stabbed in the heart & needed to gasp for breath. 

Before Lola was born, I felt like I was getting used to the idea. I missed him but  was getting used to him not being around. Getting used to not seeing him, not talking to him, not laughing with him. 

When Lola was born I felt like like the grieving started all over again. I was sad for my daughter, I was sad for my Dad, grieving for the lack of opportunity. That these 2 amazing people would never meet. We were all robbed. Now it's not just my birthday he's missing, now he will be missing my daughter's Birthday too. 

Every special occasion, every Christmas, he's missing. 

I wonder what he would of made of Lola. I wonder how he would of been with her. I'm so gutted that Lola has been robbed of a Grandfather. I'm now grieving for her too. I'm angry on her behalf. 

They say time is a great healer. 

Has time healed me? No. 

Sometimes I don't think I'll ever be 'over it'. 

Death is the only thing in life that's guaranteed & yet the hardest thing to come to terms with. 

I miss my Dad. 

"Lola you haven't got a Daddy".

Ever since embarking on my journey to Motherhood, I have thought long & hard about what I would tell Lola. I have read books, chatted on Internet forums and a poured over a couple of blogs written by other 'Choice Mums'. 

Since being in the womb I have talked to Lola about her origins. I told her how desperately I wanted her and how I ended up taking the route I took to bring her into the world. I told her that her arrival had made me happier than I had ever been. I thanked her for coming and for bringing me some peace. 

As a newborn I told her about our journey in the form of a story. I told her of a Magic Doctor who had performed miracles and brought me my special girl. 

When she turned 2 she started calling me MummyDaddy. I told her that I was Mummy & that she didn't have a Daddy, she had a Donor. I told her it was 'just us'. 

As I heard myself say 'just us' I was determined never to say those words in that context ever again. 

They made it sound like something was lacking. It sounded as if something was missing. 

I decided to look towards the Donor Conception Network for advice. I ordered a booklet written for Single Mothers to help explain to their kids about being Donor concieved. I was excited to get the book, hoping there may be some answers & advice. 

I was so disappointed when the book arrived. It was pretty rubbish & their story used the words 'just us'. Furious & let down I rang the DCN and ranted that their booklet used the very words I had decided not to use. I explained that I felt the words & expressions were negative. The lovely lady told me that they had never thought of it like that but that she could see my point. She asked if I would consider writing a book myself. 

A couple of days later I had an email from the Author apologising & saying that they would look into rewording the book before the next publication. She asked for advice on what wording I thought they should use. 

Overall I was disappointed. The one place that was there to support myself & Lola hadn't been able to help. 

I knew what I didn't want to say but I was no clearer about what I was going to say. How was I going to tell Lola our story so that she had a positive spin on it? A story that she could be proud of, not be ashamed of or to feel like she had dreadfully 'missed out'.  

A couple of weeks ago a friends son asked me if Lola's Dad was dead. 

I told him no, he wasn't dead. He just didn't live with us. 

I was caught on the hop. 

I didn't tell any lies, but it didn't feel like the truth either. But what do you tell a 5 year old when both they & your 2 1/2 year old are too young to understand the full story? 

It made me realise that it was time that I came up with a plan of what I was going to say. 

I knew that I had to be careful not to use any negative language. 

Then yesterday, out of the blue, another friends daughter said to Lola, "Lola you haven't got a Daddy" 

Lola looked at her and said "Daddy". 

My friend looked at me with an expression that read 'SHIT'!!! 

I said "No, Lola hasn't got a Daddy. She has a Donor. A wonderful man who did the most amazing thing for us. A generous man who gave us the most incredible gift". 

And that was that. Lola said "Donor" and her little friend seemed satisfied with my answer. 

So that will do for now. 

But i need to be prepared for the questions I know are coming. 

Any advice will be gratefully received! 

Is the man who helped create my daughter her Donor or her Father? 

Top Tips for a Single Parent Christmas Day from OneSpace.org.uk

As the Festive Season approaches & people start planning their celebrations and buying their gifts, it can bring about feelings of dread for Single Parents & people without large families to celebrate with. 

Here are some Top Tips for a Single Parent Christmas Day from OneSpace.org.uk

 

Make Christmas Yours

 

 

1.

1 First and foremost, DO NOT believe that everyone else in the world is enjoying a cosy family Christmas around a log fire. They aren’t.

2.

2. This is the year to create new family traditions with your children. Get them to make or choose new decorations and then have fun decking the tree as a family.

3.

3. Go out with the children and get holly and ivy and frame your photos or doorframes.  Make the house look magical for your children.

4.

4. On Christmas morning have a small treat just for you, next to your bed to wake up to.

5.

5. Open the stockings all together snuggled on your bed.

6.

6. Put on Christmas music and dance around the bedroom in your pyjamas just celebrating the day.

7.

7. Treat yourself to your favourite breakfast – bacon & eggs, salmon & cream cheese bagels, pancakes

8.

8. You might consider going to your local church for the morning service. Sing along to all your favourite hymns.

9.

9. Consider inviting other single parent friends over for lunch. A family is what you make it.

10.

10. Remember you’re not alone. If you need a bit of support or a boost on the day then chat to the other single mothers in the forums at onespace.org.uk, they’re a very friendly lot!

 

Tips from other single parents from our forums:

 

“I am going to eat chocolate on Christmas morning with my girls and then put the Mamma Mia CD on very loudly and dance around the Christmas tree”

 

“Every year I allow C to open one present Christmas Eve, we play board games too, all over the Christmas period. Even though there's just the two of us, I peel the vegs the night before, so I don't miss anything with him Christmas morning.”

 

“We camp out in the living room”

 

“What we like to do on Christmas Day is wear our favourite clothes that we don't usually wear - you know, the little black dress that you love but never get the chance to wear, or the really hideous top that is at the back of the wardrobe, but you can't bear to throw away because, well just because!!”

 

“Christmas Eve they get new pjs to open, we watch Xmas films have some nice treats to eat, leave carrots forrudolf we make 'Santa dust' To sprinkle before they go to bed its glitter, sugar whatever iv got it helps Santa find hosway to us, they each have a stocking they hang that at the end of their bed”

 

“each year we buy or make a new tree decoration to add to it” 

 

“Food shopping I cover by saving all myclubcard points from Tesco and Sainsbury and using them towards that cost”.

http://www.onespace.org.uk/

Big Girls Bed.

After finding Lola half clinging out of her cot the other night , I realised the time had come to take the sides off her cot & transform the cotbed into a bed.

I've been mulling it over for a couple of weeks & had decided to leave it a while as until about a week ago she seemed happy in her cotbed. Bloody typical eh?!

I'm not sure if it was the 'right' time to do it, the back molars are rumbling around & threatening to put in an appearance. (Bastards) We've had toxic nappies, drools of dribble & her fists rammed in her mouth at any given opportunity. last night we even had sickness ( from coughing) but what with work & available childcare, it had to be done today. I certainly didn't want to leave it and risk her falling out & hurting herself.

So today was spent taking a side off the cot, hanging some wispy material, putting up new wall stickers & generally 'prettifying' her room. I was pleased with the final result.

First signs were good. As she ran into her room, she gasped 'WOW' and excitedly got into her bed. It was hard work convincing her to get out & put her PJ's on & listen to a story.

She went down easily enough. I then jinxed it by tweeting how well everything had gone!

Bit of a cry & she's settled back down again.

Me? I'm a tender hooks and having a little weep that my 'baby' is growing up so quickly.

So, wish me luck!

I'll update our progress later on!

How old was your little one when you moved them on from their cot?