Since being in the womb I have talked to Lola about her origins. I told her how desperately I wanted her and how I ended up taking the route I took to bring her into the world. I told her that her arrival had made me happier than I had ever been. I thanked her for coming and for bringing me some peace.
As a newborn I told her about our journey in the form of a story. I told her of a Magic Doctor who had performed miracles and brought me my special girl.
When she turned 2 she started calling me MummyDaddy. I told her that I was Mummy & that she didn't have a Daddy, she had a Donor. I told her it was 'just us'.
As I heard myself say 'just us' I was determined never to say those words in that context ever again.
They made it sound like something was lacking. It sounded as if something was missing.
I decided to look towards the Donor Conception Network for advice. I ordered a booklet written for Single Mothers to help explain to their kids about being Donor concieved. I was excited to get the book, hoping there may be some answers & advice.
I was so disappointed when the book arrived. It was pretty rubbish & their story used the words 'just us'. Furious & let down I rang the DCN and ranted that their booklet used the very words I had decided not to use. I explained that I felt the words & expressions were negative. The lovely lady told me that they had never thought of it like that but that she could see my point. She asked if I would consider writing a book myself.
A couple of days later I had an email from the Author apologising & saying that they would look into rewording the book before the next publication. She asked for advice on what wording I thought they should use.
Overall I was disappointed. The one place that was there to support myself & Lola hadn't been able to help.
I knew what I didn't want to say but I was no clearer about what I was going to say. How was I going to tell Lola our story so that she had a positive spin on it? A story that she could be proud of, not be ashamed of or to feel like she had dreadfully 'missed out'.
A couple of weeks ago a friends son asked me if Lola's Dad was dead.
I told him no, he wasn't dead. He just didn't live with us.
I was caught on the hop.
I didn't tell any lies, but it didn't feel like the truth either. But what do you tell a 5 year old when both they & your 2 1/2 year old are too young to understand the full story?
It made me realise that it was time that I came up with a plan of what I was going to say.
I knew that I had to be careful not to use any negative language.
Then yesterday, out of the blue, another friends daughter said to Lola, "Lola you haven't got a Daddy"
Lola looked at her and said "Daddy".
My friend looked at me with an expression that read 'SHIT'!!!
I said "No, Lola hasn't got a Daddy. She has a Donor. A wonderful man who did the most amazing thing for us. A generous man who gave us the most incredible gift".
And that was that. Lola said "Donor" and her little friend seemed satisfied with my answer.
So that will do for now.
But i need to be prepared for the questions I know are coming.
Any advice will be gratefully received!
Is the man who helped create my daughter her Donor or her Father?
With very young children I often explain mummy has the egg and the daddy contributes the seed when answering 'where are babies from' type questions.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could tell her a story along the lines of - you really wanted to have her, but you weren't in a family with anyone who could give you a seed to put with your egg to make a baby, so you went to a special seed bank where a wonderful person, Lola's donor, had left some seed for you to use?
What a lovely women you are. I loved the fact that you don't use negative language around your child. I'm a single mum so I know how hard it is to explain the truth in a way that a young child will understand! I think using the word 'Donor' is probably the best way to explain it.
ReplyDeleteThank you Veena, that's very kind of you to say :))
DeleteHi. I am an adult donor conceived person. My mom is a single-mom by choice and I have no social father figure in my life. When I was little, I often got questions about my dad, especially from my friends who lived in two-parent households. My mom was very scientific about how I came to be (I knew about the birds and the bees when I was 2 or 3 years old) so I was not shy about explaining the technical aspects using terminology like "sperm" and "egg." But, that scared a few other parents who were not quite ready for their kids to know about human reproduction, so I agree with what the other poster said about using a more neutral term like "seed," at least when your daughter is young. As far as whether the man who helped create your daughter is her donor OR her father, he is BOTH. When explaining it to my friends, I would say, "My dad was a sperm donor." Calling him just a "donor" negates, what I consider to be, an important biological connection. Everyone who ever existed has a dad (and mom). Saying she has no dad is a lie. But, people will be curious about why her dad is not an active part of her life, which is why I always added that my dad donated his "seed" to my mom so people could understand my family's dynamics. Also, as a donor conceived person, I do understand how much my mom wanted me and what she went through to get me. But, sometimes, that felt like a burden in the sense that it made me feel like I could not grieve my missing dad. My advice is to support your daughter and validate her feelings regardless of how they make you feel. She may be perfectly fine not having a social father in her life, but if she does ever get sad about it, it does not necessarily mean that you are a bad mom.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for taking the time to reply. You have given me some great advice & I really appreciate it.
DeleteIt's human nature to try & cheer some one up, but you are right that I need to let her own her own emotions & feelings.
I've never thought about telling her how much I wanted her could be a burden so I will be conscious of that.
Thank you, you've been very helpful :)
I am also a donor conceived adult. I mostly agree with what BRK said. Telling the truth, early and often, with the right words (I see no problem using the word "sperm" with a young child) is the best way to make sure your daugter trusts you. My opinion is that her father is actually YOUR donor, and not hers. She never asked anything from that man, you did. I don't like to call my biological father my donor, because I am not in debt with him. The agreement was between him and my parents (they were infertile), I had nothing to do with that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I really had a hard time as a teenager to process the fact that my parents "wanted me so much". It felt like I owed them more than a "regular" child, that I'd better be exactly as they wanted me to be because they went through so much trouble to have me. I don't know exactly how you can avoid to put that pressure on your daugter though I just wanted to let you know it's something I had to struggle with, and I am still struggling with now that I am about to have children. Show her you love her, that you will protect her, that you would do anything for her now that she is here with you, but don't tell her she was more wanted than any other person, because she might feel like your toy.
Another advice I would like to give you is to let her have her own feelings about all this, and be open to hear everything from her. Don't try to control the way she feels, even if that challenges you. She might come up with opinions that are different from yours, and her opinions will change as she becomes older. Take time to listen to her, try to understand her point of view and give her the right to be different. She might be angry at you at some point, or angry at your donor, or at doctors, or at everything in the world... Show compassion to her, accept her feelings.
Even if she is very young, tell her all the truth, and tell it often. As she gets older, she will pick the pieces that she understands until she processes her own story. If you can be in contact with other "donor" families like yours, I think it can be a good thing for your daugter to know that she is not alone...
You are already showing how much you care about your daugter by taking time to ask these questions. I wish you and your daugter have a wonderful life together.
Thank you for your reply. So great to have advice from DC people.
DeleteI think I agree with you that the Donor is mine than Lola's! I had never thought of it like that.
I also agree that I need to let her experience & feel her own emotions rather than trying to 'make it better'. She's of course entitled to grieve, be angry etc. I shall do my best to give her the room to do this without her feeling she needs to take my feelings into account.
Thank you for your advice & your best wishes. I really appreciate your feedback.
All the best
Em
Hi. Another donor conceived adult. I personally believe that answering questions as soon as they are first asked is best practice. If that's 2, then at 2. If that's 8, then at 8. And to be as honest as possible. I agree with much of what the other DC people said above. I personally call the anonymous man who donated his sperm to my mother my donor father or bio-father. At the end of the day, his DNA made me though, and he is my father, even if very few people are willing to admit that. I definitely didn't get here with just my mom's DNA, and there is a piece of me that will always wonder what he and his family are like because they are a part of me.
ReplyDeleteRegarding feelings, if there's anything I'm sure of, it's that none of us donor conceived take being donor conceived the same way, but emotions changing over time does appear to be common in the DC community. I too felt the burden of being wanted so much that I couldn't really own my feelings for a while. And I went through a couple of years where I was angry at my parents, including the guy who gave up his sperm which resulted in my being alive. And I also actively worked on healing it and getting to a much calmer place where I am now, one of compassion for their decisions and also a more complete sense of gratitude. But I don't think I could have gotten here without letting out and healing the pain of not knowing a key portion of my identity as well as not having the "perfect" childhood that society has decided to dictate as the norm.
You seem like a really caring parent. One who is attempting to do everything you can to make life easier for your child. But in the end, there is no "perfect" childhood. There is no pain-free life. I firmly believe that it's how we learn to deal with the bumps that defines our lives more than the bumps themselves.
Much love to you and to your daughter.
Thank you for your comments, you are so right that there is no such thing as 'perfect' & I know I won't be able to shield her from all upset. Everyone has agreed that I need to let her get angry, upset, grieve if that's how she's feeling so I shall pay special attention to let her experience these feelings without having to take my feelings into account.
DeleteI certainly don't want to add to her burden!
I know my feelings are evolving, it is great to be able to get feedback from people in the same position to Lola, it has really given me good for thought & I really appreciate your comments.
Thanks also for the best wishes, wishing you all the best for the New Year
Many thanks
Em