"Lola you haven't got a Daddy".

Ever since embarking on my journey to Motherhood, I have thought long & hard about what I would tell Lola. I have read books, chatted on Internet forums and a poured over a couple of blogs written by other 'Choice Mums'. 

Since being in the womb I have talked to Lola about her origins. I told her how desperately I wanted her and how I ended up taking the route I took to bring her into the world. I told her that her arrival had made me happier than I had ever been. I thanked her for coming and for bringing me some peace. 

As a newborn I told her about our journey in the form of a story. I told her of a Magic Doctor who had performed miracles and brought me my special girl. 

When she turned 2 she started calling me MummyDaddy. I told her that I was Mummy & that she didn't have a Daddy, she had a Donor. I told her it was 'just us'. 

As I heard myself say 'just us' I was determined never to say those words in that context ever again. 

They made it sound like something was lacking. It sounded as if something was missing. 

I decided to look towards the Donor Conception Network for advice. I ordered a booklet written for Single Mothers to help explain to their kids about being Donor concieved. I was excited to get the book, hoping there may be some answers & advice. 

I was so disappointed when the book arrived. It was pretty rubbish & their story used the words 'just us'. Furious & let down I rang the DCN and ranted that their booklet used the very words I had decided not to use. I explained that I felt the words & expressions were negative. The lovely lady told me that they had never thought of it like that but that she could see my point. She asked if I would consider writing a book myself. 

A couple of days later I had an email from the Author apologising & saying that they would look into rewording the book before the next publication. She asked for advice on what wording I thought they should use. 

Overall I was disappointed. The one place that was there to support myself & Lola hadn't been able to help. 

I knew what I didn't want to say but I was no clearer about what I was going to say. How was I going to tell Lola our story so that she had a positive spin on it? A story that she could be proud of, not be ashamed of or to feel like she had dreadfully 'missed out'.  

A couple of weeks ago a friends son asked me if Lola's Dad was dead. 

I told him no, he wasn't dead. He just didn't live with us. 

I was caught on the hop. 

I didn't tell any lies, but it didn't feel like the truth either. But what do you tell a 5 year old when both they & your 2 1/2 year old are too young to understand the full story? 

It made me realise that it was time that I came up with a plan of what I was going to say. 

I knew that I had to be careful not to use any negative language. 

Then yesterday, out of the blue, another friends daughter said to Lola, "Lola you haven't got a Daddy" 

Lola looked at her and said "Daddy". 

My friend looked at me with an expression that read 'SHIT'!!! 

I said "No, Lola hasn't got a Daddy. She has a Donor. A wonderful man who did the most amazing thing for us. A generous man who gave us the most incredible gift". 

And that was that. Lola said "Donor" and her little friend seemed satisfied with my answer. 

So that will do for now. 

But i need to be prepared for the questions I know are coming. 

Any advice will be gratefully received! 

Is the man who helped create my daughter her Donor or her Father? 

Top Tips for a Single Parent Christmas Day from OneSpace.org.uk

As the Festive Season approaches & people start planning their celebrations and buying their gifts, it can bring about feelings of dread for Single Parents & people without large families to celebrate with. 

Here are some Top Tips for a Single Parent Christmas Day from OneSpace.org.uk

 

Make Christmas Yours

 

 

1.

1 First and foremost, DO NOT believe that everyone else in the world is enjoying a cosy family Christmas around a log fire. They aren’t.

2.

2. This is the year to create new family traditions with your children. Get them to make or choose new decorations and then have fun decking the tree as a family.

3.

3. Go out with the children and get holly and ivy and frame your photos or doorframes.  Make the house look magical for your children.

4.

4. On Christmas morning have a small treat just for you, next to your bed to wake up to.

5.

5. Open the stockings all together snuggled on your bed.

6.

6. Put on Christmas music and dance around the bedroom in your pyjamas just celebrating the day.

7.

7. Treat yourself to your favourite breakfast – bacon & eggs, salmon & cream cheese bagels, pancakes

8.

8. You might consider going to your local church for the morning service. Sing along to all your favourite hymns.

9.

9. Consider inviting other single parent friends over for lunch. A family is what you make it.

10.

10. Remember you’re not alone. If you need a bit of support or a boost on the day then chat to the other single mothers in the forums at onespace.org.uk, they’re a very friendly lot!

 

Tips from other single parents from our forums:

 

“I am going to eat chocolate on Christmas morning with my girls and then put the Mamma Mia CD on very loudly and dance around the Christmas tree”

 

“Every year I allow C to open one present Christmas Eve, we play board games too, all over the Christmas period. Even though there's just the two of us, I peel the vegs the night before, so I don't miss anything with him Christmas morning.”

 

“We camp out in the living room”

 

“What we like to do on Christmas Day is wear our favourite clothes that we don't usually wear - you know, the little black dress that you love but never get the chance to wear, or the really hideous top that is at the back of the wardrobe, but you can't bear to throw away because, well just because!!”

 

“Christmas Eve they get new pjs to open, we watch Xmas films have some nice treats to eat, leave carrots forrudolf we make 'Santa dust' To sprinkle before they go to bed its glitter, sugar whatever iv got it helps Santa find hosway to us, they each have a stocking they hang that at the end of their bed”

 

“each year we buy or make a new tree decoration to add to it” 

 

“Food shopping I cover by saving all myclubcard points from Tesco and Sainsbury and using them towards that cost”.

http://www.onespace.org.uk/