I have told Lola many times that her Father is a Donor.
When she was a newborn, I would whisper to her our story & tell her just how grateful I was that she was here.
Last year L went through a phase of calling me 'MummyDaddy' & a couple of her (older) friends had asked where L's father was.
At the time, I did some serious thinking about what I was going to tell her and her inquisitive friends. (Please see previous posts!)
I have always been determined to be completely honest but I became very conscious of what language I should use. I wondered how much information was appropriate for a small toddler mind.
I told L that her Father was a very special man, that he was a Donor & that she could find out more about him when she was older.
For a while, this information was enough. Until recently.
This Summer we visited my Brother & family. L heard her cousin calling him Daddy & so addressed him as Daddy too.
My brother quickly corrected her & told her that he was not her Daddy, he was her Uncle. (He is known to her as Uncle D so this clicked pretty quickly)
Once we got home, L said to me "I want my Daddy".
I pulled her on my lap and decided that it was time that I told her more details.
I told her that I had really wanted a baby but that I hadn't met the right man to be her Daddy.
I said that I had heard of a man who could help me called Dr Shakka. I said that he knew a very nice man who was a donor.
I told her that Dr Shakka then took Mummy's eggs & Daddy Donor's sperm and mixed them together.
I told her a miracle happened & they became an embryo. The embryo was then put back in Mummy's tummy, where it grew & grew into a beautiful Baby Lola.
L has seen all my pregnancy bump pics & knows that she was once in my tummy. She often looks at the photos & talks about Baby Lola getting "bigger & bigger & bigger".
Again I told her that her Donor was an amazing man & that she could find out more about him when she was older.
I asked her if she'd like me to tell her the story again & she said yes. So we lay on the bed cuddling as I told her our story again.
The next day, her 1st words were "My Daddy's a Donor"
I said "Yes, your Daddy's a donor". That was enough to satisfy her curiosity for a couple of days.
Since then, she has asked me to tell her again about Dr Shakka, the Donor & baby Lola.
She announced "My Daddy's a Donor" to a busy waiting room the other day!
Again today she said "I want my Dad" so I pulled her close & told her our story again.
Tonight I made the mistake of reading a couple of blog posts written by Donor Conceived adults.
They've talked of their struggles, their sense of injustice & that donating sperm/ eggs should be outlawed.
They talk of feeling robbed, that the worst bit is 'the unknown' & that they feel lost not knowing more about their genetic parentage. (It is worth pointing out that a majority of them were told late or lied to about their origins)
This makes me feel terrible. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel sad.
I feel bad that L doesn't have a relationship with a / her Father.
Does he wonder about her? What kind of man donates his sperm?
Why would you? I wonder what his motives were & whether he will agree to meet Lola & answer her questions about himself & his family.
What if he's no longer alive by the time L is old enough to search for him? What if he refuses contact? Her questions will be unanswered for ever.
These are all things I didn't give full consideration to when deciding to have a baby alone. Surely these are topics that should be brought up in the compulsory counselling.
Would I have changed my mind? I doubt it. I wanted a child so badly.
She was the best decision I ever made & she has made me happier than I have ever been.
But I worry that she will struggle because of the decisions I made in pursuit of my own happiness.
Don't get me wrong, I don't feel bad or guilty on a daily basis, it tends to be when I stumble across a sad post from someone who is Donor Concieved or like tonight, after sobbing my way through an episode of Long Lost Family!
I really must search out more Donor Concieved Adults who hopefully have a happier and more positive story to tell.
