Some time ago, I blogged about my thoughts surrounding what to tell Lola about her Father/Sperm Donor.
I finished by saying that I had said to Lola that she didn't have a Daddy, but that she had a Donor.
My thoughts & feelings have shifted considerably since writing that post.
Firstly, I started to communicate with a Donor Conceived (DC) Adult. She had written a blog post about her Donor & said that she felt that he was her Father. She felt our language surrounding Donor Conception was limited but that using the word 'Donor' didn't seem appropriate.
She commented that the word donor makes one think of Charity Auctions, Organ donors & depersonalised the man who is out there, living & breathing.
In her opinion, the man that donated sperm IS Lola's father. Lola shares 50% of her DNA with him, 1/2 of her is from him.
I have to agree.
Lola does have a Father. A Father who donated his sperm.
I have a few details of this man scribbled on a piece of A4 paper. We know his height, blood group, body type, hair & eye colour, occupation & interests. He has always been 2D.
Recently I have started to think of him as a real person, started to think about a man out there, who has a job, friends & a family. He is more than just a few details on a piece of paper. I've started to wonder what else Lola shares with him other than DNA. Do they share the same features, the same habits?
She then asked if she could repost my blog on her blog. I agreed.
The first of the comments absolutely slated me. I was called desperate & selfish. I was told that I should apologise to my daughter. Apologise for compromising her rights. Apologise for entering into an agreement that meant she had less rights than any other child.
Was it fair that she didn't know her kin, her father, her siblings?
I became quite defensive saying that I refused to apologise to L, that that would imply that I felt I'd done wrong, that I regretted & felt sorry about my choices.
I will never apologise for having had my daughter. She is my world. But do I owe her an apology?
While I didn't agree with the tone of the ladies comments, it was real food for thought when it came to L's rights as a Donor Conceived child.
It was suggested to me that I watch 'Generation Cryo'. A documentary about a young lady, with 2 lesbian Mums, searching for her Sperm Donor. Because she lives in the US she had her Donor Number so she signed up to the Donor Sibling Registry. She discovered 15 donor siblings.
It was fascinating to see the kids different thoughts & feelings towards their donor/father & it was so heart warming to see the relationships between the donor siblings grow.
In the UK, DC kids don't get their donor number until they are 18. I feel sad that Lola won't have the same opportunity to grow up knowing her donor siblings. I feel quite strongly that this part of the law should be changed.
Should the donor/father's name be put on the birth certificate? I don't know. Would people still donate their sperm & eggs if they were on the Birth Certificate? At what age is a child ready emotionally to go & meet their Father? I need to think more about this & perhaps blog about it at a later date.
What was perhaps most interesting & thought provoking was some comments on my blog from 3 DC adults, some of which had SMC (Single Mothers by Choice).
One said that Lola doesn't have a donor. That that man donated his sperm to me. He is my donor. I had never thought of it like that but I totally agree.
Another commented that I should allow Lola to express her feelings about being DC. She may be angry, hurt, furious & must let her be. This really resonated with me as I feel it's human nature to try & make someone feel better. I must make her feel safe enough to work through her feelings, whatever they are without being concerned about how they make me feel. She has my full support if she decides to try & make contact with her Father/Siblings.
The ladies commenting on my blog also agreed that they found their Mothers saying how badly they wanted them to be a bit of a burden, so I must be conscious of that too!
One of the things I found most upsetting was the comments that DC kids are born to fill a hole in their parents lives but are then left with a hole themselves as they have no knowledge of their Father, his family & their families medical history. Some feel a part of them is missing, unknown.
This has made me seriously question the rights of DC kids as they stand today. With the increase in DC children these really need to be rethought. I shall be considering all that I have learnt over the past 2 months & plan my next steps forward.
One thing for sure, I WILL be campaigning for my daughters rights to know her donor number before she is 18 so that we can join the Donor Sibling Registry. If she has siblings out there that are registered, why should she wait until she's 18 to meet them?
So where am I at?
Lola does have a Father, a Father who donated his sperm to me.
How she will feel about him & whether she decides to call him her Father or her Donor remains to be seen!
Wow, first up I have zero experience of this so it's just an opinion of another mum. :-)
ReplyDeleteI did once consider egg donation, as it turns out I have a genetic disease that means I couldn't anyway, but the thought of future children ever being able to find me put me off too. I realise that children would want to, but I also felt that a donor only donates a tiny cell, not a person. The parent(s) of the child do the rest. So yes, your daughter as a 'father' but he is also only man that was kind and generous enough to allow your daughter to be yours.
I think the very fact that you are considering all the options shows you are a great mum, often you need to be led by your children and communication is the key, it sounds to me like you have no fear of talking about what happened and that is great.
Good luck for the future, with whatever you and daughter decide to do. xxx
You didn't deny your daughter anything - you gave her a life! No, she currently doesn't know her father, but from what I read here she has one kind and caring parent which is more than many children get. Families come in all shapes and sizes and there is no such thing as a perfect family. Knowing both your birth parents is hardly an automatic ticket to a trouble-free life!
ReplyDeleteI think you will find that the vast majority of DC adults you have been communicating with were told about their donor conception late and/or had very unsatisfactory home life experiences partly or totally because their parents had not had an opportunity to grieve and acknowledge their loss (of being able to have a genetically connected child) before moving on to donor conception. They are the ones who need to have their sad stories out on the internet. Those who are not angry and bitter have no need to be there. Of course it is important to remain open to all the feelings your child may have and to be there for her but beating yourself up about your choices and potentially projecting your expectations of her future angst on to her will do no-one any good. If your daughter was conceived in the UK post April 2005 she will have the right to identifying information when she is 18. It is highly unlikely that the HFEA will revisit it's decision not to allow clinics to give out donor numbers. I would not support this but they took legal advice and on this basis decided that the numbers were potentially identifying information and therefore against UK law. DC Network has a small registry for members where details about the donor and where and when a woman was treated can be posted privately. Some connections have been made this way. Informal routes are your best bet for early connection. Personally, I would keep away from DC adult sites on the internet and concentrate on being in touch with other mums (I am assuming your are a solo mum) by donor conception.
ReplyDeleteHi Olivia, thanks for your comment.
DeleteI wouldn't say I beat myself up over my choice to be a single Mum. It was the best thing I've ever done!!
It's more the case of trying to find the right language to use when talking to my daughter about her origins. I have found some of the literature to use terminology that I really don't like, for instance the phrase 'it's just us' that was used in the DCN booklet for Single Mums.
I think you're right about a lot of DC people told late may have more issues than if they had grown up knowing their real story. I'd really like to read more positive stories & am interested in learning more about the Sibling Registry group on Yahoo.
I'm somewhat disappointed to read that the HEFA are unlikely to review when a child can have their donor number, but I can see the reasoning why. I just feel it's unfortunate that children don't have the opportunity to grow up knowing their donor siblings. I will check out the forums on the DCN network. Do I need to be a member to access them?
dear Em,
ReplyDeletewanted to thank you for your two posts.
like yourslf, i really disliked the DCN book for solo mothers- not so much because of the words "just us" but because the story there is told as a story of loss to begin with, and it depicts the mother as lacking agency (the mother says she couldnt find a man to father the child ; then it was the doctor who showed her another way). my feminist queer self cringed reading this....
I found your reflections in the previous and this post really interesting, including many aspects i havent thought of previously - such as does a DC child have a father, a bio-father, a donor? Does it matter if a child is in a heterosexual couple (infertile); with a solo mom; in a lesbian couple (or a lesbian or queer solo parent such as myself)?
Sometimes I think the "daddy" question, for me, would be easier to answr if i had a partner (of whichever sex), because then the division between a bio-father and a daddy (or second mommy) is much clearer. For a sperm donor is NOT a parent, in my opinion. Nor is he even giving the child up/away, as many bio parents of adopted children do. And yet, he is an important genetic figure in a DC child's life. Given that we live in a society that links bio and social parenting so tightly, it is really hard to untangle the two- I think when we start doing it, the "loss" of a father figure lessens, and so is a threat many parents of DC might experince when a child feels such a loss, or is angry.
i completely agree that it is important for a DC child to be able to know their siblings- would be really interestd to know what you came up with; and perhaps join the effort?
xxx
Hi joysofparenting
DeleteApologies for taking so long to reply. I have tried several times but my phone seems to freeze & not allow to me post. I really must get on the laptop!
Thank you for your comments, I'm afraid I hit a brick wall about finding out our Donors number so that my daughter can find her donor siblings. It seems the HEFA are quite adamant that the numbers should not be revealed until the child is 18.
They seem more concerned with the rights of the Donor
Con'd
ReplyDeletethan they do the rights of the donor conceived child, which I'm not sure is right.
Hopefully as our children get old & can voice their needs & wants, things will change.
I'm conscious of the fact that I want my daughter to have the information about her donor but will have to wait to see if it's something she wants too.
I am frustrated that I didn't import sperm, I would have the information about the donor to pass on to my daughter.
I'm frustrated that this wasn't brought up in my counselling session previous to my treatment.
I really think women considering treatments should be asked to consider this.
If you had the choice, would you find out more about your donor?
Em x